And so it begins, again.

I don't blog anymore. I just thought I should get that out of the way right at the get-go. But I feel compelled to record this moment that I'm feeling, right now.

For the past couple of months, I've been living my life very differently from how I've lived it over the last 15 years. My partner and I split up in October, and this week I'll be moving out of our home and into my new home. Sadness washes over me from time to time; those times were becoming less frequent but now, closer to the move, they're back. The sadness shares space with possibility, fear, regret, peace... who knew that all of these could get along so well in what feels right now like such a small space?

I'm hopeful for the future. I'm committed to the now. And life marches on.

2008... later, alligator!

I was going to toss my wall calendar from 2008 into the recycling pile, but as I am prone to doing with most things before disposing of them (translates to: I'm a pack rat), I decided to have a look over the past year before sending it out into the ecological cosmos to reach new people and places in a form yet to be determined. Kind of symbolic, actually... so anyway, looking back over the months brought back some memories, and I'm going to jot some of them down here.

Driving lessons
My first few Young Drivers in-car lessons were with Kim. She was unusually placid and her car reeked of cigarettes. In spite of these qualities, Kim managed to cross me over into not being completely petrified and even becoming comfortable behind the wheel. Perhaps unfortunately for me, she moved to the island, and I ended up with a new instructor... Lance. Lance's car did not reek of cigarettes and he was far from placid; Lance was a 70-some year old Asian man, and I only mention his ethnicity because he made a point of refuting it on our first time out. Lance and I butted heads when he grabbed the wheel from me and started honking and yelling at drivers who had the right of way and shouting at me "We're going to CRASH!" When I pulled over to tell Lance that I didn't think his teaching style meshed with my learning style, he told me that I was wrong, that his students passed tests, and then pointed out that he was a first-generation Ukrainian Canadian. I have an idea as to why he felt that was worth a mention, even though I'm not of the belief system that would warrant the mention. Against my initial impulse, I stuck with Lance for the rest of my in-car lessons which would finish in May, and in that time, I managed to pick up some snippets of Ukrainian trash-talk, a couple of bottles of tasty spring water fresh from the source, and somewhere in there, one or two good driving habits that I use now. I failed my first road test in May, and was successful in nabbing my "N" in August.

Rock Shows & Such
Went with Yvette & Steve to see Hayden play at UBC in February. The theatre was packed and we were separated. I sat in the 2nd row behind a big guy; I assured him that if, in his peripheral vision, he saw me leaning out awkwardly and it appeared that I was looking at him, that I was indeed looking past him and at Hayden. His response was a really weird look. I hadn't yet figured out how to turn the sounds off on my mobile phone camera, and so when I started recording some video of Hayden, my camera emitted a really loud BEEP.... and Hayden kind of smirked in my direction and in perfect Butthead form said "You got texted." And people laughed, and I blushed. The show was perfectly Hayden.

The Breeders came to town in May, and my pal Deb came to town for the show at Richards. We arrived about 3 songs into their set. I recognized Kim & Kelly Deal right away (they're the two lead vocalists and they're identical twins - it's easy!). I don't know anything about the rest of the band, but it wasn't the same lineup as they had in the 90s, but the Deal sisters' sound and quirky relationship was spot-on, and I have to admit, that is a big part of what attracted me to The Breeders in the first place... so I was pleased. Had a nice visit with Deb too; we had an all-nighter at Richards, walking home from Richards, and then just hanging out at home that night and then an all-dayer wandering around East Van the following day. We see each other very rarely - it's nice to be able to reconnect now and then.

Erykah Badu played the Commodore in June, twice in the same night with maybe half-an-hour between shows. Her first show sold out in something like 10 minutes, and I was in a meeting at work when my Outlook reminder to buy tickets came and went, so I missed the boat. I was so pleased to get tickets to the second show! Holy crap, she is the Messiah. Okay, no... she's not. But she's INCREDIBLE. Her show was an experience in music and character and timing and soul and precision and funk. A lotta funk! She did mostly music from her latest album New Amerykah, and some songs from her breakout album Baduizm, and her set was filled with banter and thoughtful comments on creativity and cosmic conciousness, which came across as anything but rhetoric. She seemed truly inspired by the crowd, and I think she left most of us inspired as well. And of course, she was visually fabulous, with a big ol' puffy afro and a purple pin-striped suit. I'm pretty sure she was wearing some sort of booty pad under that suit, and she shook that thing like it had a week to live!

Other shows... February: Ruthie Foster (great voice and spirit, and really great dreadlocks!); April: Bad Manners (Buster Bloodvessel & the boys delivered at the Red Room!); September: The Black Crowes @ the Orpheum (passable - the sound could have been better); October: Gogol Bordello @ the Commodore (consistent & SWEATY!); November: Blackbones @ the Bourbon (guitarded!), Holly Golightly @ the Biltmore (perfect, I hope she comes back); English Beat @ the Plaza (I think they did every song from W'Happen? in order, and Dave Wakeling was even a little pervy, how bizarre...).

Theatre & Such
January:
Frankenstein @ Vancouver East Cultural Centre
Visually stunning, the costumes made me giddy. Tim Burton would have loved this production!

March:
Into The Woods - Patrick Street Productions @ Vancouver East Cultural Centre
Went with Megan & Jill; I think we all agreed it was REALLY long... I wish I would have given this show a bit more thought the, because I don't really remember it very well now. I did really like the costumes (especially the witch's mask) and the two princes were brilliant!

June:
What Not To Wish - The Broadway Chorus @ Waterfront Theatre
Our spring show was built around various fairy tale themes and characters - flighty fairies, wicked witches, dim-witted emperors and others - and featured special appearances by fairy gawdmongers Stacy London (I got to play her - I know, shut UP!!!) and Clinton Kelly of TLC's What Not To Wear. FUN!

July:
Cirque Du Soleil: Corteo
You know, that chapiteau really IS grand! I preferred last year's performance, but I really enjoyed the Helium Dance... it was perfectly magical imagery: tiny Valentina being gracefully moved through the theatre's sky, lofted gently by the hands of audience members and lifted by pale helium balloons - beautiful.

Bottoms Up Broadway - Pipedream Theatre Project Society @ WISE Hall
I participated in this fundraising cabaret for Pipedream's 2009 show (they're doing A New Brain!). We performed songs from RENT, Oliver, The Life, The Wild Party, and many other shows, and I got to sing Miss Adelaide's part in Take Back Your Mink. Great experience!

September:
The Musical of Musicals (The Musical!) - Fighting Chance Productions
I was pleased with the show and with the performers, but was really disappointed that we didn't clap loudly enough to get the Kander and Ebb version...

December:
The Laramie Project - Fighting Chance Productions
Heartwrenching and fist-raising subject matter, brought to life through strong characterization by a truly talented and flexible cast. Brilliant effort, bravo, FCP!!!

The Drowsy Chaperone - Vancouver Playhouse Theatre Company
I loved this!!! The toe-tapping, feel good show of the year. I am so glad my friend Kate got a bunch of us motivated to go to the preview, because although the show had a good long run at the Queen Elizabeth Theatre, the way December went with weather and the holidays and such, I could easily have missed it, and that would have been a mistake. (What would Adolpho have thought?)

Annie Get Your Nun - The Broadway Chorus @ Waterfront Theatre
Our December show took a dash of Annie and a pinch of The Sound Of Music and came up with a show that was SO much fun to perform! I played housekeeper to a house full of grown-up slacker Von Trapps and some messy house guests Little Orphan Annie, the Sisters of the Convent of the Token Part, and some heavies from the Vatican. (I later disguise myself as the Captainess Von Trapp in hopes of securing a more leisurely life in the castle... costuming my characters was a blast!) We did songs from Sister Act, Chicago, A New Brain, and The Drowsy Chaperone; in my opinion, our shows and performances just keep getting stronger, and I can't wait to find out what we're doing next!

And otherwise... Let's see. In May, I made my way to Edmonton for my Uncle Casey's funeral and to see some family and friends; a week later, Damion went to Edmonton for his Grandad's memorial, and my sister Megan made her way to Australia for some happier visiting. Damion and I spent a few days with Stevette in Ucluelet and Tofino in August. It was a collective first visit to that part of the island; happily, it was easy to keep ourselves entertained. We hiked wooded trails and lounged on sandy beaches, we wandered around town and had no trouble eating very well. And we agreed to remember that we really do have a stunning and lush (although pricey) island getaway within easy reach, and that staying local is always an option. December came, and midway through, so did some hideous weather. Damion and I went back to Edmonton (where snow belongs!) for some holiday fun, and came back home to the same hideous weather that we'd left behind.

And that hideous weather remains, and that brings me to now. Hi ho, hi ho - and to the recycling bin I go!

When enviro-friendly becomes enviro-foolish...

I was wandering around in the drugstore, and I remembered that I needed cotton balls..... or cotton pads - they're more compact.

I opted for Organic Essentials Certified Organic Cotton Cosmetic Rounds; a couple of hours later, I opened the plastic bag (which the Organic Essentials folks reminded me IS reusable - thanks!) and I took out a cushy organic cotton pad.

And then, the irony of my consumer choice sunk in as I dipped my organic cotton pad into some acetone-free, yet totally not enviro-friendly nail polish remover, and then proceeded to wipe my toenails clean of all traces of my favourite orange nail polish.*

Next week, maybe I'll make a point of buying lanolin-enriched hair conditioner, but only if the manufacturer is against animal testing.

Silly girl.

*Nic's Sticks Orange You Fast Nail Lacquer... not the most evil product on the shelf, but still pretty darn non-essential and ridiculous when you look at the big picture.

Enter the Kavorka...

First off, I'm writing from the point of view of a woman in a relationship with a man, relating to other women who... well, who relate to men - and when I use the word "couple," I am referring to male/female couples. Just to be clear... maybe my little rant is more universal than I know, but I'm not about to pretend to know..... you know?

My partner Damion is physically a very attractive man and is also quite charming, and people - particularly older married women - seem to feel very comfortable discussing this with him. "Oh man, if I were 30 years younger and single..." that kind of thing - and this doesn't bother me, because why NOT tell it like it is??? Today, at a funeral reception, I walked into one of these exchanges; Damion put his arm around me and acknowledged me, "I'd like you to meet my partner Donna," and the flirting stopped dead... which would have been okay if then polite conversation had begun. But it didn't... it was like I'd dropped the ultimate cock-block (or whatever it's called when women block women), only without intending to.

Why couldn't this woman have just nudged me, winked at me, or high-fived me or something? Was she ashamed? Or was she subconsciously competing? (Or was I?)

Men don't typically react the same way. When roles are reversed, men tend to unite, to pay tribute to one another. Maybe it's because they've been objectifying women for longer, so there's just no shame left to cloud the situation. I'm not completely comfortable playing the trophy or the trophy-owner though, so this kind of socializing is tricky. My usual strategy is to leave the situation.

We were at a wedding a few years ago (what is it with funerals and weddings?), and there was a woman there who was completely drunk and enchanted with Damion. She met us both, but she had that "I'm gonna EAT you!" look in her eye when she met Damion. She approached him anytime I wasn't near. I'd go to dance with my friend, she'd try to dance with Damion... I'd go to to get a drink, she'd corner Damion. Damion would go outside to smoke, she'd need air; she was absolutely possessed. At one point, my friend and I went to use the washroom; we were at the sink washing our hands and fixing our lipstick, and in stumbled that woman with her friend and in mid sentence, "Oh, Damion issho FUNNY - we were jussousside an' he shaiddd..." and then she stopped because her friend had spotted me and had elbowed her in the stomach to shut her up!

(These women were in their late 50s... good on 'em for having a good time, but...)

And she and I stood there and looked at each other; she looked scared and bloated and embarrassed and I suppose I looked a bit angry, but really I was just stunned and had no idea how to process this awkward moment. It was very high school... and unfortunately I am no better equipped now than I was then to deal with such weirdness. We left shortly after that, but for the rest of the night while we were there, she pretty much kept to herself. And I think she eased off the wine.

Socializing as a couple is serious business! There are all sorts of unspoken rules and understandings that couples take with them to dinner parties, business functions, and the like. Will there be a dominant partner, and if so, who? Which partner will tell the stories, and which will support with well-placed "Oh, but Hun, you haven't told them to the FUNNIEST part!" Who will deliver the wine/dessert/flowers/big salad? I know, you're asking why can't each partner do or be both? By acknowledging and playing into these imposed roles, don't we just end up giving them more focus? Well yeah - duh! But really, are all of us so evolved that we can avoid these roles completely? Doubtful.

So in the meantime, between now and nirvana, we strive for equality and fairness within the relationship. And I do believe this equality is possible, and can be achieved through awareness, respect, and sharing; awareness of what each person has to offer, respect for each other, and sharing the experience. And when in doubt, develop some foolproof "let's leave the party NOW" code.

Alice Pieszecki was getting her hair done at my salon today...

Okay, I didn't mean to suggest that the salon is mine. Well, it kind of is... it's not my salon, but it's where I go to get my hair done, and in correcting my first statement, I gave you a clue as to where I go to get my hair done. And a clue as to where Alice Pieszecki gets her hair done, or did today anyway. And okay, it was really Leisha Hailey - and yes, I know the difference.

And no, I did not run up to her and say "You're one of my favourite lesbians on the L Word...." In fact, I didn't really do anything to acknowledge her celebrity, but I did sneak a peek at her while she waited for her crown of foils to set, and when I looked at her, turned out she was looking at me too.

You know, she probably recognized me from a Broadway Chorus show and she probably wanted to tell me that I'm one of her favourite non-paid musical theatre performers, but then thought the better of it. I'm sure she just didn't think it would be right for her to interrupt my salon time... I appreciate that.

Now, more importantly..... My hair stylist and I were talking travel, and when I referred to the scary one-armed man who chased two of my friends in Belize City, she knew exactly who I was talking about - right down to the fact that he had a way of gesticulating like a madman with the stump where his arm once lived, flinging it about and hitting himself in the process. It's a small, bizarre world....

And I'm very happy with my hair.

Lungs before beauty...

I have a show coming up in June, and the character I'm playing happens to have long brown-black hair. I have the long hair, and I have the brown half of the brown-black; not wanting to run around and tap dance with a double head of hair (ie: a wig atop my already heavy mane) or to suffer the regrowth process, I'm looking for temporary hair colour solutions.

Have you ever heard of a product called Fanci-Full Mousse?

It looks like this:

And when you put it in your hair and get dressed and have a day, it also looks like this:

And, after having whatever mousse that didn't make it into my shirt in my hair for just one sleep and a day, my lungs feel as though I've been can-canning in a coal mine. Or as though I've taken up smoking again, only instead of wasting money buying and time smoking the cigarettes, I've opted to simply drill a good-sized hole through my breastbone and into my lungs, insert a tube, and toss whatever dust and disease that's handy directly into the folds of my 6-years clean and apparently wimpier-than-ever lungs.

So for the sake of my clothes and my health, I don't think that Fanci-Full is the best option for me. I'll keep experimenting, and am guessing I will end up facing the challenge of finding the bright side of growing out a black dye job.

Being "Mom" is enough...

http://ca.news.yahoo.com/s/afp/080228/world/britain_motherhood_society

Ummm.... who the hell CARES that Posh Spice and Angelina Jolie are mothers AND they're *hot* and *perfect* and *socially aware* - what the hell happened to what I believe becomes the first priority on that list once you've decided to have a child - the MOTHERING bit?

I like to think that if I was a mother, my focus would be on the emotional, mental, and physical wellbeing of my child. And yes, I would do my best to leave the smallest ecologically damaging footprint possible, and would try to always do right by others as well, but I hope that any shortcomings I may have along the way wouldn't be found in comparing myself to celebrities and other media influences.

I'm sure the last thing I was ever concerned about while my mother was on the planet was that she wasn't hot enough, or hip enough. But if I knew her better, or for longer, who knows? There may well have come a time when I would have been concerned that she worried about it too much.

Mothers - I know it's not your fault, but please - get past the all or nothing in this case. Because as long as you agree to buy into and then suffer at the hand of media-based inadequacy issues, you're not making things any easier for your kids.